Words after "when".. happiness defined !

 Words after “when”…

 Buddha said, “There is no path to happiness; Happiness is the path..”

I look around and everyone is on the quest to “find” happiness, either through their work or relationships or something else. I also am a traveller on the same journey, to find happiness, through something or someone.

I remember the first time I felt truly happy. It was a bright sunny day and I was an energetic 4 year old playing on the street and bossing around little boys from our neighbourhood :) and my mom came home with a beautiful doll. Pink cheeks, long blonde hair and oh so beautiful. That doll served me many happy days and I still have that doll somewhere in my attic.

What I didn’t realise then, was that doll was my first step into the long dark hole of “I am happy when…” syndrome. My journey down the hole continued and the only things that changed were the words that came after “when”. A new watch, clothes, a boyfriend, a new car and the list continues. And without even knowing, I had become a long standing victim of the “I am happy when..” Syndrome.

Is that really true happiness? Can I only be happy when the words after “when” are fulfilled?
I even tried attaching my happiness to my relationships and expecting my partner to “make” me happy. How could he, when I myself didn’t know how to make me happy?

They say, one can never find happiness outside, if they arent truly happy inside. No doll or car or partner can make one truly happy, if they havent felt happiness within, even when there is nothing specific to be happy about. Sounds a little weird to just be happy for no reason, isn’t it?
Turns out, it isn’t :)

Words after “when” happiness is momentary and goes away as quickly as it comes. So, while it is ok to seek out new things, they should probably not be the means to ones happiness

Being grateful might be the first step towards finding happiness within. Maybe writing a gratitude journal every morning or I pause ever so often during the day to say thank you to things that I have taken for granted. Like the food I eat or the help who keeps my home clean or the tree in my front yard that is bringing in cool breeze.
I also mediate and go inwards as many times as I can. Accepting “what is”, takes away our constant quest for “what it needs to be”

And most  importantly, I walk away from people and situations that lower my vibration. I owe it to myself to surround myself with the energy that works for me

Has all of this reduced my words after “when” ? Not really, however, being aware of it makes me not feel bad when the happiness dwindles. And continued mindfulness might help reduce the long list of words after “when”
So, here is to “being” happy rather than “finding” happiness..

 “Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life”    

I cheated !!

Another date with the butterflies and this time at a peaceful ashram in the midst of a silence program. No talking, no reading, no phone and time spent only with myself. 

Such times bring out the absolute best and worst in me. Made me think about all the relationships I have had. And more importantly, the one most important relationship where I needed to be exclusive, unconditional and totally loyal ....... and I wasn’t. The one relationship where I cheated. 

THE RELATIONSHIP WITH ME !!!!

I remember the little Shali, standing in front of the mirror talking to herself. Talking about plans and dreams and dolls and unicorns. And then Shali grew up and the time infront of the mirror increased. The conversation was filled with acne, fat hips and awful hair. Time passed, mirror conversations changed to self loathing and self doubt, until such a time when standing infront of the mirror became a burden. 

Thus started the cheating journey..

I cheated, when the voice in my head, that used to push and inspire me changed to become judgemental and critical. 

I went from absolutely loving myself just the way I am, to loving myself only when someone else did, occasionally and conditionally. I gave away the power to love myself to people who didn’t care enough, to situations that were worthless and to moments that were useless. 

And then one day, I woke up. 

Woke up to realise that I spend THE MOST amount of time with myself and I would like to spend that time in joy and love.. I didn’t want to cheat anymore. And thus began my journey of wooing myself back.. 

My wild affair with myself started off with some help from Louisa Hay, the author of Mirror work. She helped me stand infront of the mirror and love what I saw. I used to have a friend in college who sent herself flowers for valentine and I thought she was quite pathetic but now I send myself flowers all the time. I go on dates with myself - a good book on a park bench; a spa appointment; a silence program; an art class or a solo vacation to some place new. Most importantly, the voice in my head is kinder than the voice of the world. 

Thus began my wild affair with myself with no plans of cheating.. EVER..

Now, I stand in front of the mirror whenever I can and say “Shali, I love you and approve of you and You are good enough” 

PS - Loving oneself and being self obsessed are 2 entirely different things :)

Life is happening when we are busy planning for it

I sit in my balcony on a Saturday evening, sipping hot masala chai and looking at the butterflies fluttering around the garden. It’s my favourite activity now a days and it makes me wonder about the life I have had for 40 years and how many times have I sat this way. How many times have I just been in the moment without thinking or planning for something.

Life has been a mad rush, not coz it needed to be, but coz that’s all I knew how to do. I assumed that I needed to “use” every minute of every day and fill it with activities to make myself feel useful.
While life has been kind and I am happy where I have reached, I wonder if I would have reached this state of oneness a lot sooner, if I had only managed to not get into a mad rush to ‘Get Freaking Stuff Done’ all the time.

I recently read something about the urgency of slowing down. An article that would make me run the other direction, just a year back. Slowing down was a weakness, only for lazy people, slowing down meant being left behind. And now, at 40, at the peak of my career, I am constantly learning about things that would make me slow down. Mediation, Yoga, Vipasan and loads and loads of books and podcasts about mindfulness and the joy of slowing down. I wonder about this shift within me, what made me get here? What was the true awakening?

I realise, during another session with the chai and the butterflies, that everything that I held dear were all the moments when I lived in the moment. The email free vacation I took; the relationship where I truly belonged with no judgement or ego; the friends I spend time with, without once picking up my phone; The workout I do where I am truly connected to my body and mind and a thousand other such memories. And there you have it, what matters at the end is brief moment of stillness when you are totally in the moment. Not in the past, not in the future but right here, right now.

So now, I spend at least 30 mins everyday mediating or doing something that connects me to the universe. I workout 5 days a week. I work at a place I love, with people who bring me peace. I take one vacation every few months and dont feel the pressure to constantly check my emails, I journal about my thoughts and feelings almost everyday And most importantly I give myself ample time everyday TO JUST BE..

Try it, it is liberating...

A day in my life..

A day in my life.. wondering and pondering if we value it enough !!!

I live not too far away from a railway track and spend a few hours every month waiting to let the trains pass. One thing that strikes me is the number of people hanging out of the door of a moving train. We have all seen those famous pictures of overcrowded trains in Rajastan or Bombay but this one is not like that. This train is fairly empty but people still chose to sit by the door and wave at people pooping by the side of the track J… I wonder what is going on in their minds, I wonder what makes them do something so reckless… so easily…  Well.. I will never know and frankly I don’t think I care enough to find out

And then I move on huffing and puffing that I wasted 15 mins of my life waiting for the stupid train to pass.. what I don’t realise is that I spent more energy cursing about something that I couldn’t have controlled rather than use the same 15 mins thinking of something positive. Anyway, I pass by cars with parents rushing to take their children to school. The dad is talking over the phone, honking and trying to get ahead and the child is jumping around on the front seat of the car. This is a common sight and I take no notice but if you think a little you realise how risky this is. We keep saying how much we love our children, how much India is more loving and giving than the western countries. But you will NEVER see a similar site anywhere in the west. Kids are never allowed to sit in the front site, let alone jump up and down in a moving car. They have to be in a car seats, strapped and safely secured even if they are going 2 blocks away …..but well .. we STILL love our kids more…

I reach office and even before I can start working I hear the fire alarm blarring. Somewhere in the corner of my mind I know I am supposed to run out but I pay no attention to it. I continue checking my emails coz THAT is more important than saving my life. If there is a real fire, I tell myself, I am sure I can figure out what needs to be done then..

Its raining as I return home and the electrical transformer near my house seems to be celebrating Diwali.. with sparks coming out of it from all ends and it finally gives up and goes up in flames. It takes us 4 hours to find an electrician who isnt drunk to come out and fix it while all through this time the kids in the neighbourhood are standing underneath the transformers and playing a game of “who will catch the sparks before it touches the ground”.

Anyho, the electrician climbs up the pole in his hawai chapal, worn out loose cloths and a screw driver as his weapon of choice. Lo and behold there is light and the man climbs down like he is taking a leisure walk in a park and goes home to his bottle..  And to think I worked on a team which terminated a lot of electricians in the UK for merely forgetting to wear a helmet !!!!!

This is a day in my life and there have been many days like this one… I then spend the next hour planning my future, worrying about how things might not fall into place, worrying that I am growing old or that I have lot of things unchecked on my checklist of life.. ….BUT think about it a little and it makes me wonder if I really value life as it is RIGHT NOW… NOT what it will be 5 years from today but RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT.. if I am cherishing what life is giving me right now .. If in my quest to secure my future am I sacrifising my present … DO WE VALUE LIFE ENOUGH OR ARE WE JUST LETTING IT SLIDE????

Friendships and memories

It’s a funny thing this memory lane.. some memories are good and some not so much… either way they bring back so many emotions you thought you had forgotten..

Today I went to Hanumanthnagar, the place I was born in, the place which saw me for my first 18 years, the place where I went to school for the first time.. every stone, every lamp post, every tree has a story and going there after 10 years made me re-live all of them.

Its funny how some things just remain in your mind and they come back to you at odd times. Walking through the streets reminded me of my first crush, the first time I feel on my face J, the bakery I loved eating egg puff from and soo many other random thoughts..

I also went to this store where I bought ALL my bedspreads from. Not coz I loved bedspreads but coz there was this cute little boy in that store who I had a huge crush on. 20+ yrs later this sweet little boy, not a little boy anymore J, still remembered me, called me by my name and made my day by asking me “ Are you a model now?” JJ… ohhhh those were the days J

Anyway, there were also sad memories from my little trip down memory lane.. memories of being left alone at home with no friends, memories of people I loved back then who are no where to be seen now; memories of the days my grandmom used to live with us… Sometimes I wonder why my brain stores such memories.. What good does it bring??

Anyway, some of my fondest memories are from my college days from RV.. That’s where I met Suman Karthik. At that time she pissed me off a lot, coz she never remembered my name; she would hug random people and yap with them and not even know who they were; she would hit on really ugly men and almost always make me pay for all her coffee’s. Little did I know that 16 yrs later, I would still be paying for her coffees and saving her from ugly men. This blog is in memory of all these 16 wonderful years that she has been my friend..

I am not a big believer of friendship days but she makes me believe in Friendship and to her I owe a lot of my happy days..

Happy friendship day my friend !!

Diminishing line?

As a kid, I had a very clear opinion about right and wrong... Life was simple and straight. I knew the right thing was to obey my elders and leave all the thinking to them. I knew boys were trouble, drinking would kill me, smoking was banned & sex was just plain dirty and should not be spoken about, seen or heard. (no, I didnt grow up with nuns..)

And then I grew up a little and the line between right and wrong started to blur. I wasn't so sure if ALL boys were trouble; drinking socially seemed acceptable; holding a cigarette in the hand looked stylish and the idea of sex wasn't so frowned upon anymore. How did this shift happen? How does something so wrong, suddenly become 'not so wrong' anymore? Did I change or did the world around me change?

And then I grew up some more and boys became friends, confidants, lovers… a tremendous shift from being the “bad” ones. Drinking was not just acceptable but I spent money to get a bar at home; smoking which seemed ok as a teenager isnt all that ok anymore.. and sex is a dinner table conversation with friends. The line b/w right and wrong diminished some more..

I started making my own rules about right and wrong. I didn't wanna let the world tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I did what I thought was right and I didn’t do what felt wrong… the only rule was that I should be happy and no one else should be deliberately hurt due to my actions. I also learnt that what might be right to me, might be wrong to someone else and I am no one to judge or preach. Neither am I going to spend time worrying about it or changing myself to suit others wimps and fancies.

So Now I do whatever makes me happy and keeps me guilt free. I don't try to explain my actions, coz the ones who care, understand..... and the ones who question or criticize aren't worth spending energy on.

So, next time someone tells you what you are doing is wrong.. analyze to see if it feels wrong to YOU.. if it doesn’t, respectfully agree to disagree and continue to do what feels right to you. Coz ultimately, the results of the deeds, good or bad, has to be dealt by YOU…

To let go or not.. THAT is the question !!

Some of us think holding on to something makes us strong but many times it's letting go that makes one even more stronger...

I have been in many situations and sometimes with a few people where there was a dire need to 'let go' .. But I still held on... Maybe with the hope that it will get better oneday; maybe I believed letting go will be more painful; maybe I didn't want anything to change; or maybe..just maybe things will be normal again... But most times things only got worse.

Why do we do that? Why do we hold on MUCH longer than we need to? Why do we feel the need to hold on SO tight that we become oblivious to the pain it is causing? Why do we find it tough to let go?

It's not just about relationships, it could be about a job that might be making you miserable;  it could be about you pushing someone to do something against their will; it also could be a feeling of intense hatred for something or someone.... Have you ever thought of HOW MUCH time and energy this is sucking out of you???

I have asked this question to myself a couple of times in life and most times a little introspection makes me realize that I almost ALWAYS knew when to let go, but I just took time to accept it. To me, it's always been the fight between the mind and the heart. The mind says, you have tried enough, move on....... But the heart says, just a little longer, just a little harder.

So now, I try until it feels right; I try until It ain't hurting more than it should and the minute I feel like its hurting more than it should, I let go. Sometimes I still feel like I might have benefitted from holding on a wee bit longer but in most cases I am glad I let go when I did,  coz this gave me mental and emotional space to do and accept lot more.

So next time you are wondering, when did life get so complicated and you are trying hard to remember the last time you were totally at peace with yourself......YOU have held on wayy too long.....  be it a job or a relationship.... just LETGO.. It will hurt but the peace that follows is a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes, letting go might even get you what you have wanted all this while..

ps - I am not saying "run" at the sight of trouble, its important to try to resolve conflicts, but it's also important to know that you have your running gear ready, IF you do need it!!!