Another date with the butterflies and this time at a peaceful ashram in the midst of a silence program. No talking, no reading, no phone and time spent only with myself.
Such times bring out the absolute best and worst in me. Made me think about all the relationships I have had. And more importantly, the one most important relationship where I needed to be exclusive, unconditional and totally loyal ....... and I wasn’t. The one relationship where I cheated.
THE RELATIONSHIP WITH ME !!!!
I remember the little Shali, standing in front of the mirror talking to herself. Talking about plans and dreams and dolls and unicorns. And then Shali grew up and the time infront of the mirror increased. The conversation was filled with acne, fat hips and awful hair. Time passed, mirror conversations changed to self loathing and self doubt, until such a time when standing infront of the mirror became a burden.
Thus started the cheating journey..
I cheated, when the voice in my head, that used to push and inspire me changed to become judgemental and critical.
I went from absolutely loving myself just the way I am, to loving myself only when someone else did, occasionally and conditionally. I gave away the power to love myself to people who didn’t care enough, to situations that were worthless and to moments that were useless.
And then one day, I woke up.
Woke up to realise that I spend THE MOST amount of time with myself and I would like to spend that time in joy and love.. I didn’t want to cheat anymore. And thus began my journey of wooing myself back..
My wild affair with myself started off with some help from Louisa Hay, the author of Mirror work. She helped me stand infront of the mirror and love what I saw. I used to have a friend in college who sent herself flowers for valentine and I thought she was quite pathetic but now I send myself flowers all the time. I go on dates with myself - a good book on a park bench; a spa appointment; a silence program; an art class or a solo vacation to some place new. Most importantly, the voice in my head is kinder than the voice of the world.
Thus began my wild affair with myself with no plans of cheating.. EVER..
Now, I stand in front of the mirror whenever I can and say “Shali, I love you and approve of you and You are good enough”
PS - Loving oneself and being self obsessed are 2 entirely different things :)
Wow. Your thoughts penned here reminds me of all our conversations. A part of you in this is instilled in me. Certainly has helped me grow and love myself. So along with loving yourself you have taught people to love themselves. I throughly loved reading this.
ReplyDeleteShilpa, love you. Totally grateful for your presence in my lif .
ReplyDeleteSelf love should be taught as a subject in school. Definitely it would have helped me if someone taught me :). Learning came eventually but wish it was known earlier.
ReplyDelete"I gave away the power to love myself to people who didn’t care enough, to situations that were worthless and to moments that were useless." - What a powerful comment ... Had me thinking a lot to places where I gave away the power to love/affirm my worth to others. I need to change that.. Sometimes the praise of man/woman is the worst kind of trap you can fall into. Would love your viewpoint on when loving oneself turns into self obsession and are there any signs to look out for ... Maybe an idea for another blog
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